Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Sexual Anorexia
Sexual Anorexia
By
Paul L. Hokemeyer, JD, PhD(c)
Addictions Specialist
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
I was recently discussing the concept of sexual anorexia with a colleague. He was confused by the topic and couldn’t find much information that clarified the issue for him. Apparently, one of his patients thought it might be something that affected her. After hearing a bit more about the woman- and that she was also struggling with a prescription drug addiction, I suspected his patient was right.
In my experience as an Addictions Specialist, I see how connected sexual issues are to a person’s and a family’s recovery.
We all know that men and women who are survivors of sexual abuse and trauma are much more likely to develop substance abuse problems than people who have not had negative sexual experiences. In addition, sexual identity issues are claimed as one of the primary reasons many people abuse alcohol and drugs. Essentially, when a person has a traumatic sexual past or troubling sexual present they use drugs, alcohol, other substances- and other methods- to manage these unpleasant emotions.
Sexual anorexia is one of the methods people use to manage the troubling emotions that plague their lives. It refers to the situation where a person closes the door on his or her sexual life to manage their unacceptable feelings. For these people, controlling their sexuality gives them a sense of ownership over their emotions.
And just like other addictions for a while this method of coping seems to work. When faced with a stressful or chaotic feeling, these people gain a sense of control and autonomy over their lives. But again, like in other addictions, this method of coping extracts a dire price.
Human sexuality is a human drive. It has an organic and biological function. To deny our selves sex is akin to denying our selves food and air. The challenge of course, is learning how to express our sexuality in a healthy and affirming manner.
Here, there is no one standard solution. Different approaches will work for different people. The key is to create a frame that is safe, contained and objectively measured. A good example of such a frame is to come up with a strategic plan that outlines the steps that will be taken to engage in nurturing and safe intimate encounters. This can be created in combination with a supportive friend, physician or therapist.
Remember, it’s important to create this plan in relationship with someone else. Destructive patterns of behavior thrive in isolation. They heal in honest and healthy relationships with others.
By
Paul L. Hokemeyer, JD, PhD(c)
Addictions Specialist
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
I was recently discussing the concept of sexual anorexia with a colleague. He was confused by the topic and couldn’t find much information that clarified the issue for him. Apparently, one of his patients thought it might be something that affected her. After hearing a bit more about the woman- and that she was also struggling with a prescription drug addiction, I suspected his patient was right.
In my experience as an Addictions Specialist, I see how connected sexual issues are to a person’s and a family’s recovery.
We all know that men and women who are survivors of sexual abuse and trauma are much more likely to develop substance abuse problems than people who have not had negative sexual experiences. In addition, sexual identity issues are claimed as one of the primary reasons many people abuse alcohol and drugs. Essentially, when a person has a traumatic sexual past or troubling sexual present they use drugs, alcohol, other substances- and other methods- to manage these unpleasant emotions.
Sexual anorexia is one of the methods people use to manage the troubling emotions that plague their lives. It refers to the situation where a person closes the door on his or her sexual life to manage their unacceptable feelings. For these people, controlling their sexuality gives them a sense of ownership over their emotions.
And just like other addictions for a while this method of coping seems to work. When faced with a stressful or chaotic feeling, these people gain a sense of control and autonomy over their lives. But again, like in other addictions, this method of coping extracts a dire price.
Human sexuality is a human drive. It has an organic and biological function. To deny our selves sex is akin to denying our selves food and air. The challenge of course, is learning how to express our sexuality in a healthy and affirming manner.
Here, there is no one standard solution. Different approaches will work for different people. The key is to create a frame that is safe, contained and objectively measured. A good example of such a frame is to come up with a strategic plan that outlines the steps that will be taken to engage in nurturing and safe intimate encounters. This can be created in combination with a supportive friend, physician or therapist.
Remember, it’s important to create this plan in relationship with someone else. Destructive patterns of behavior thrive in isolation. They heal in honest and healthy relationships with others.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Thanksgiving Recovery Tips
The holiday season presents great challenges to our emotional and physical well-being. For people in recovery- whether that recovery is from substances, other people, or other compulsive behaviors- the period of time from Thanksgiving to the New Year is full of opportunities to act out in unhealthy and self-destructive ways.
Over the next three months, I will give you some pointers to guide you through the season while deepening your recovery during this tricky time of year. In short, I don’t want you to just survive the holidays. I want you to thrive through them.
The holiday season kicks off with Thanksgiving. It’s a holiday that’s traditionally celebrated with family and a huge meal. People who haven’t seen each for the entire year come together to celebrate the blessings of life. It sounds wholesome and pure. But what if your family is your trigger? What if the very thought of spending time with certain family members rattles you to the core and fills you with dread and anxiety? What if you are afraid that you will drink, use, over-eat or act out if you attend the family celebration?
In such a case, I believe you need to put “first things first”. Your recovery is your top priority every single day of the year. There are no exceptions. Your addiction doesn’t get a holiday on Thanksgiving- and your recovery shouldn’t either. If you don’t feel you are emotionally fit to attend a family gathering then you’re not emotionally fit to attend a family gathering. Above all else, trust your sober instincts.
Does this mean you should lie to your family to avoid hurting their feelings or to maintain your privacy? Absolutely not, recovery is about building self-esteem, not taking actions that will erode it.
To handle this situation, I recommend two things. The first is to come up with a Thanksgiving plan that enables you to show your gratitude through love and service. Through self-care you will love yourself- and your family. No one is worth a relapse and those who truly love you would never want you to take a risk with your recovery.
The service aspect comes from finding an opportunity to get out of your self and into a community of other people. There are many opportunities for service on this holiday. From service commitments at 12 Step meetings to delivering meals in nursing homes, homeless shelters and hospitals, there’s an action you can take that is has meaning for you.
My second recommendation is to tell your family the truth. Let them know that this holiday you’ve chosen to show your gratitude for the blessings in your life by being of service to people less fortunate. Explain that it was a difficult decision, but one that once made has filled you with joy. Remember that you don’t need to explain any further. You are an adult who is entitled to make decisions based on self-care.
And don’t fall into the trap of allowing your fear of other people’s opinions or reactions to compromise your spiritual, mental and physical growth. Recovery involves breaking destructive patterns and finding a healthier way of living in the world. If you feel a situation is going to cause you trouble, then step out of the way. In the end, Thanksgiving is only a day. Your recovery, while realized a day at a time, is the greatest gift of your lifetime.
If you’d like to share your comments or concerns about this holiday, please email me at phokemeyer@yahoo.com.
Over the next three months, I will give you some pointers to guide you through the season while deepening your recovery during this tricky time of year. In short, I don’t want you to just survive the holidays. I want you to thrive through them.
The holiday season kicks off with Thanksgiving. It’s a holiday that’s traditionally celebrated with family and a huge meal. People who haven’t seen each for the entire year come together to celebrate the blessings of life. It sounds wholesome and pure. But what if your family is your trigger? What if the very thought of spending time with certain family members rattles you to the core and fills you with dread and anxiety? What if you are afraid that you will drink, use, over-eat or act out if you attend the family celebration?
In such a case, I believe you need to put “first things first”. Your recovery is your top priority every single day of the year. There are no exceptions. Your addiction doesn’t get a holiday on Thanksgiving- and your recovery shouldn’t either. If you don’t feel you are emotionally fit to attend a family gathering then you’re not emotionally fit to attend a family gathering. Above all else, trust your sober instincts.
Does this mean you should lie to your family to avoid hurting their feelings or to maintain your privacy? Absolutely not, recovery is about building self-esteem, not taking actions that will erode it.
To handle this situation, I recommend two things. The first is to come up with a Thanksgiving plan that enables you to show your gratitude through love and service. Through self-care you will love yourself- and your family. No one is worth a relapse and those who truly love you would never want you to take a risk with your recovery.
The service aspect comes from finding an opportunity to get out of your self and into a community of other people. There are many opportunities for service on this holiday. From service commitments at 12 Step meetings to delivering meals in nursing homes, homeless shelters and hospitals, there’s an action you can take that is has meaning for you.
My second recommendation is to tell your family the truth. Let them know that this holiday you’ve chosen to show your gratitude for the blessings in your life by being of service to people less fortunate. Explain that it was a difficult decision, but one that once made has filled you with joy. Remember that you don’t need to explain any further. You are an adult who is entitled to make decisions based on self-care.
And don’t fall into the trap of allowing your fear of other people’s opinions or reactions to compromise your spiritual, mental and physical growth. Recovery involves breaking destructive patterns and finding a healthier way of living in the world. If you feel a situation is going to cause you trouble, then step out of the way. In the end, Thanksgiving is only a day. Your recovery, while realized a day at a time, is the greatest gift of your lifetime.
If you’d like to share your comments or concerns about this holiday, please email me at phokemeyer@yahoo.com.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
About Paul
Paul L. Hokemeyer, JD, MA, LMFT*
Born and raised in rural Maryland, Paul’s own personal journey has led him through careers in the law and social justice philanthropy to the field of mental health and addictions. In addition to English, Paul speaks Spanish and basic Dutch.
Paul has a B.A. in Economics from John Carroll University, a J.D. degree from Capital University and an M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University. Currently, he is completing his dissertation for his Ph.D. in Psychology on the topic of human sexuality and wealth.
Paul served as a Marriage and Family Therapist intern at the Hollywood Sunset Free Clinic in Hollywood, CA and at Center Care in New York City. He is currently affiliated with Caron Treatment Center’s New York City office (www.caron.org) where he specializes in the following areas:
* Substance abuse
* Sexual compulsivity
* Wealth
* Sexual identity issues
* Codependency
A noted author on topics related to addictions, recovery and family dynamics, Paul is a monthly columnist for the Montauk Sun and the Monitor Magazine in Telluride, Colorado. He has also published articles in The Therapist, Los Angeles Family and Canvas magazines and has appeared as an addictions expert on CBS News and Fox News Live.
Paul divides his time between New York City and Amagansett, NY where he hosts a television show on Plum TV entitled Biography of a Hampton’s House (www.plumtv.com).
Please contact Paul at phokemeyer@gmail.com
(*WY Marriage and Family Therapist License #138)
Born and raised in rural Maryland, Paul’s own personal journey has led him through careers in the law and social justice philanthropy to the field of mental health and addictions. In addition to English, Paul speaks Spanish and basic Dutch.
Paul has a B.A. in Economics from John Carroll University, a J.D. degree from Capital University and an M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University. Currently, he is completing his dissertation for his Ph.D. in Psychology on the topic of human sexuality and wealth.
Paul served as a Marriage and Family Therapist intern at the Hollywood Sunset Free Clinic in Hollywood, CA and at Center Care in New York City. He is currently affiliated with Caron Treatment Center’s New York City office (www.caron.org) where he specializes in the following areas:
* Substance abuse
* Sexual compulsivity
* Wealth
* Sexual identity issues
* Codependency
A noted author on topics related to addictions, recovery and family dynamics, Paul is a monthly columnist for the Montauk Sun and the Monitor Magazine in Telluride, Colorado. He has also published articles in The Therapist, Los Angeles Family and Canvas magazines and has appeared as an addictions expert on CBS News and Fox News Live.
Paul divides his time between New York City and Amagansett, NY where he hosts a television show on Plum TV entitled Biography of a Hampton’s House (www.plumtv.com).
Please contact Paul at phokemeyer@gmail.com
(*WY Marriage and Family Therapist License #138)
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